I am Admitting This

I'm gay.

Draft

1. Spell your name without an A ?
:: Timothy Villaric (bitin!)

2. Are you single?
:: Medyo :p

3. Whats your favorite number[s]?
:: 7!

4. What are you listening to right now?
:: well, LSS right now nalang: My brother's playing Harder, Better faster, stronger on the computer next to mine.

5. Are you happy with your life?
:: Sure. See? :)

6. Where do you wish you were right now?
:: I want to go to that doulos thing. Maybe tomorrow. :)

7. What should you be doing right now?
::Staying up late. :p

8. Do you have a crush on anyone?
:: Ang guwapo ko no? Hayyy... haha joke lang. :p

THE DIDS:

9. Did you ever want to be a doctor?
:: For a second but it evaporated when I realized how old they graduate.

10. Do you believe in God?:
:: Yeah of course.

11. Did you want to be a firefighter?
:: nope.

12. What was the last thing you drank:?
:: H20

13. What was the last thing you watched?
:: Dennou Coil

THE WHOS:

14. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone
:: Can't remember for the life of me.

15. Who was the last person to call you?
:: Dunno.

16. Who was the last person to text you?
:: Stef :p

0THER STUFF:

17. What plans do you have for tonight?
:: Sleepover daw? Go out with my family, the usual.

18. Do you hate liars?
:: No I love them

19. What have you done in your past that you regret?
:: too long to list em down.. haha

20. What do you want to do when you grow up?
:: a lot of things: become successful in the ad industry, see the world, get married, etc

21. Have you ever kissed two people in one night?
:: no. why would i do that?

22. Did you ever have your heart broken?
:: sigh....

23. Have you ever wanted someone but you knew you couldn't have?
:: grrr.. i'm very much aware of that feeling...

24. How are things between you and your parents?
:: well recently.. YEAH!

24. Do you like your life?
:: uhuh.. very much (this question was asked already... o_0)

25. What is your favorite love movie?
:: love story nalang: P.S. I Love You (which is coming out on the big screen.. i just wish i had someone to watch it with (-.-)

26. How long have you had myspace?
:: i don't have myspace

27. Has anyone close to you ever passed away?
:: my lolo

28. Have you ever not been able to get someone out of your head?
:: recently... someone's been bothering my thoughts.. harharhar

29. Do you ever wish you were famous?
:: i wished before.. now.. not really

30. What does your friendster shout out mean?
:: HAH! gotta go my own way -- you decide what that means

31. Elaborate your default photo:
:: it was taken during one of the days when classes got suspended haha

32. Any celeb you would want to marry?
:: johnny depp or orlando bloom (pirates booyah!)

33. Have you ever sung in front of a large audience?
:: uhuh! tis fun!

Silent Ivory Keys

It's ironic how you like to sit of a simple stool and want to play the most grandiouse pieces on simple, plastic keys. You started when you were in Grade 1 and it's the same piano that you've been playing for the past 13 years or so. It's a fairly simple electronic contraption, none of the hardened stilts dressed together that you might find in a normal piano. When you play, none of the normal vibrations echo from within but the sound rings clear to you and when it rains, the keys don't begin to wallow in themselves the way they do in wood and ivory. In that sense, it would seem to be dead and the fact that it runs on electricity would make you feel like you're playing frankenstein. You picked her back then because of the little buttons on her with a limited range of 6 instruments and you still don't mind because she gets the job done and she never complains (unless in a brownout). You appreciate the fact she doesn't play like a keyboard with its own superficial key textures or like a real piano whose keys are too stiff. She's Baby Bear from "Golidilocks and the Three Bears" and her porridge is just right.

You used to play for other people a lot. You could only play 2 pieces by heart, "Eyes on Me" and "Fisherman's Horizon" and the rest were fairly simplistic songs from John Thompson and Micheal Aaron which you found repititive and annoying. It was "Eyes on Me" that got you playing again during Grade 7. All your friends praised you for it because you were the first that learned how to play it in class. Lola used to showcase you in front of family guests and you'd ask for a little service fee of a hundred bucks. After all the praise you decided to memorize more and you were able to fine-tune your style to technical perfection. After a while it just trailed on like a forgotten leash and you realized that you never really cared what anyone else thought about how you played. At the end of the day if you were feeling sad or stressed you would just play for yourself. If you read it on the page you can still play "Eyes on Me" like you always used to after all.

The notes that you would fossilize in your mind now came in waves and you were living life a note at a time. Some shores you familiarized yourself with quickly; you could tell where the wind blew and navigate the vast array of stars with ease--you knew where you had to go because it was all so familiar and easy. Some seas demanded much that you did not have and you ambled away from them on the first few measures. Regardless of how your fingers stuttered even when you weren't playing stacattos or the how they would trip over themselves like a Three Stooges comedy on the trills you were living a life and it washed away all the days other people would have slashed their wrists in their solitary rooms or some of the restless nights that Eliot measured in cups of coffee.

You realize though that what the water washes away it also takes away which also means that if there is a rut in the road, passing your car over it will not remedy the situation when you wake up the next day to drive to work. There are irreconcilble, indissoluble things that you can get across but you can never really solve by simply running your hands over treble and bass clef, taking it on stride and pressing against the notes. But sometimes it is simply enough to do just that, because you would have patched yourself up and gone through one more day, swallowed up by silent ivory keys.

Post Workshop Stress Syndrome

You know you have it when you wake up and you realize once again Crap, it's ___ in the morning again. Repeat for a couple of times the same morning for a more zombified effect.

On being Bipolar

My emotions are in a constant equilibrium. If you can manage to disrupt that continuity, I start turning screwy. For the past few days, I've been flitting out of depression, numbness and a spirited vitality. I don't think I've altogether abandoned my own emotions but to a certain extent they will always be knotted to my orientation towards the world. That is, I will either stare something down, or just shrug my shoulders (inwardly). When that knot was cut it's as if all 3 emotions began struggling for dominance in the absence of their master. They're incessant little imps they are. I must be bipolar. Iyon Lang. :p

Another Poem

A friend had me analyze this poem for her. I liked it enough to post it here. :)

The First Dream

The Wind is ghosting around the house tonight
and as I lean against the door of sleep
I begin to think about the first person to dream,
how quiet he must have seemed the next morning

as the others stood around the fire
draped in the skins of animals
talking to each other only in vowels,
for this was long before the invention of consonants.

He might have gone off by himself to sit
on a rock and look into the mist of a lake
as he tried to tell himself what had happened,
how he had gone somewhere without going,

how he had put his arms around the neck
of a beast that the others could touch
only after they had killed it with stones,
how he felt its breath on his bare neck.

Then again, the first dream could have come
to a woman, though she would behave,
I suppose, much the same way,
moving off by herself to be alone near water,

except that the curve of her young shoulders
and the tilt of her downcast head
would make her appear to be terribly alone,
and if you were there to notice this,

you might have gone down as the first person
to ever fall in love with the sadness of another.

-Billy Collins

The 13th Ateneo-Heights Writers' Workshop (Part 1)

Yep, I was there.

Actually noong una medyo napilitan lang ako. A bit of pressure from the old members (Yes, you Vip!) and the new EB that required it for Fil Staff and English Staff. Not that I never wanted to write before this point, just that I always had some excuse for whisking myself away. I spent a couple of nights in front of the computer screen cramming my stuff. Poetry was out of the question, it's a deathtrap for me with all its conventions. I'd been reading fiction all my life so that seemed an appropriate choice. I managed to write the first, "Rooms" with manageable effort. It's the kind of the fiction work that I'd always wanted to write. But by the second piece, I was going emo due to the fact that the work simply refused to write itself and the time before the deadline was getting exhausted. I slept on it and went to church the next day (It was a Saturday then). During the service I began to feel better about missing the workshop when I received a text informing me that they were requesting that I submit my second work! I did send in "Rooms" that morning and it seems that they liked it so much (don't ask me why :P) that they gave me another day's extension to finish. I spent the Sunday doing "Dead on Arrival" and by 12 midnight had run out of ideas on how I wanted to end the work. An hour later, I was pissed enough that I was able to give it an ending, and it was the kind of ending that you could only come up with if you were pissed.

So yeah I got in. The thing took place at Sacred Heart Novitiate (a good hour from Ateneo) in Novaliches from July 27-30.

Ghost story?

When I was thirteen years old, I began to have bouts of insomnia. That was around the time I heard footsteps going up the stairs near my room. I've been hearing it ever since but these days I've gotten used to it so that it never really frightens me that much. I guess to my mind it would seem like a sound the house would make (if it knew how to make sounds).

Last night I crossed the hallway after doing my quiet time in my sister's room. As usual I heard the footsteps going up the stairs and as I expected, no one was around. When I closed and locked the door to my room my brother relaxing in bed. He said something to me I looked back at the doorknob, someone turned it out of nowhere. Someone turned the locked doorknob! It couldn't have been my dad cause the lights were off and I'd have heard him shut the door to his room opposite end of the hall.

Oh well don't mind me, I'm just bored. :p

To Do list

Out of sheer boredom I have decided to recount a list of productive activities this summer in order to pressure myself to do something productive:

1. Finish at least 3 books
2. Master Doctor Gradus Ad Parssanum by Debussy
3. Help Revamp the Youth L.I.V.E. website
4. Co-write a script for a short film at church
5. Have at least 2 more sleepovers
6. Write any piece of literature (poem or fiction)
7. Rearrange email inbox and computer desktop (digital OCness!)
8. Blog more!

These are the productive activities I am currently occupied with:

1. Frontline Bible Study every Wednesday (starting today)
2. Driving Lessons (kinda late for this but yeah)

That's about it :p

Upcoming events
1. Camp reunion!
2. DVBS (Daily Vacation Bible School)--this would be around my 7th year of teaching!
3. Bodi's swimming party (to swim or not to swim?)